Night Thoughts
by thelynnfiles
Summary: Buffy's thoughts keep her up at night. Set in s7.
1. Night Thoughts

**Author's Note: I, of course, do not own any of these characters. The story here is mine, though, so please don't take it without my permission. It's my first attempt at fanfic, so be gentle! :-)   
  
*****   
  
She couldn't sleep. Of course she couldn't sleep. There were too many things to think about. So much had happened. Tara's death. Evil Willow. Spike's soul. Spike. Oh, God. Spike. He got his soul. For her. Willingly. How is a person supposed to take that in? It all used to be so easy. Vampires were bad. It was her job to kill them. She was their law. Simple.   
  
_That's not true._   
  
No, that wasn't true. It was never easy. She had loved Angel. He was a vamp, but he had a soul. That made it okay, right? Spike had no soul. He couldn't have really loved her. He was a monster. That's why she had never loved him.   
  
_Lies._   
  
That's why she would never **let** herself love him. She knew all about the black and the white and the gray. Angel was the gray. Spike fit into the black. He always would. He was evil.   
  
_He has a soul._   
  
Why? Why would he do that? Remorse for the attempted rape? No. Vamps didn't feel remorse.   
  
_Spike did._   
  
Angel had loved her. When he lost his soul and reverted back to Angelus, that was gone. There was no love in an unsouled vamp.   
  
_Maybe he didn't love you as much as Spike._   
  
Angelus would never have willingly sought his soul. It would ruin the life of a vamp. It would be a sentence to pain. It would be crazy.   
  
_Spike knew._   
  
Spike **did** know. He had been there. He had seen what Angel went through. What was he thinking? How could he have sought out a soul?   
  
_He loves you._   
  
It didn't make sense. There was no other explanation. Why else would he have done it? Even if he someway, somehow really loved her, didn't he see that she could never love him? It didn't matter if he had a soul.   
  
_It mattered with Angel._   
  
Spike wasn't Angel. Spike was different.   
  
_Different? How?_   
  
Spike had tried to kill her over and over again. He had chained her to a wall. He had tried to rape her!   
  
_Spike protected Dawn. He fought at your side time after time. He made you feel._   
  
Rape. He tried to rape her.   
  
_How was this so-called attempted rape all that different from your usual foreplay? Spike may have been wrong, but he felt so much remorse that he went through Hell to get his soul back. For you._   
  
No. That wasn't an option. She couldn't think that way. It would be too hard.   
  
_He is rotting away down in that basement. He is half-insane. Because of you. He did such a huge thing for you, and how have you repaid him? You have ignored him. You have used him over and over again._   
  
She had never asked him to get his soul back. She hadn't even known it was possible really.   
  
_But you pushed him in the right direction, didn't you? You used him to make yourself feel again. You let him service you, and then you threw him away. You knew he loved you, and you still treated him as flesh. You called him a monster. You told him that he was beneath you. All he wanted was to be worthy of your love. And you denied him that one thing. Why? Because you didn't feel it?_   
  
No.   
  
_No. Because you were so afraid to love and be left alone again that you cut your heart off._   
  
The words of denial would no longer come. This is what had been keeping her awake at night. It was true. It was all true. Her Dad. Angel. Riley. Her Mom. They were all gone. She had loved all of them so much, and they just left her.   
  
_Spike never left. You bruised his body and battered his heart. He never left. He just stayed and put up with the abuse. Why? Because he loved you._   
  
He left last summer.   
  
_He came back._   
  
**"He might not love me anymore."**   
  
_He does._   



	2. Those Eyes

**Author's Note: I hadn't intended on writing more, but a friend of mine convinced me that it would be a good way to practice my dialogue.   
  
*****   
  
"Spike? Spike, are you down here?"   
  
Buffy walked through the maze that was the Sunnydale High School basement with purpose. She had finally reached an understanding within herself, and she needed to make things right. The first step in that, though, was finding a certain souled vamp.   
  
"I remember. Broke the promise. Hurt the girl. Bad man. William. Crazy like Dru. Never deserving. Monster. It hurts."   
  
Buffy walked into the room in time to hear the last fragments of Spike's tirade. He was curled in a dirty and sobbing ball on the floor behind some old football gear. Just the sight of him was enough to make her want to turn and run away. Away from Spike and the pain she had caused. Away from the eventuality of facing her own feelings.   
  
"Spike?" Softly, this time. "What hurts?"   
  
He looked up at her with a look of confusion in his eyes. Did he even recognize her? Oh, God. What she wouldn't give for the days when she could see his love for her in those eyes. Even the days when hatred spilled forth were better than this. He was a broken man. Yes, he was a man. She could finally admit it to herself. He had a soul, and he had one because he wanted to be worthy of her love. It astounded her.   
  
"Buffy? Slayer, is that you? Did you come to put an old poof out of his misery?"   
  
Spike's words interrupted her thoughts. Would he ever believe that she was sorry? More importantly, would he ever again be the Spike that she knew? The Spike that she lo..cared about? No. It was too soon. She couldn't think about these thing yet. She had a purpose. Step one.   
  
"Spike, you have to listen to me. We need to get you out of this basement. It's bad for you here. It's making things worse."   
  
She only hoped that he would listen and not put up too much of a fight.   
  
"Told you, luv. I've nowhere else to go."   
  
Buffy steeled herself. Considering all that had happened since he had returned to Sunnydale with his soul, she wasn't certain how he would take her idea.   
  
"Spike, I'm going to take you home with me. Listen, it's the best thing. You can't be alone like this. We can take care of you. We can help you get the old Spike back. Isn't that what you want?"   
  
Suddenly he was standing in front of her. His eyes were no longer blank. He almost looked normal again. Just for a moment, maybe she could pretend.   
  
"What do you want, Buffy? You would trust me in your home again? With Dawn? With..you? Even after all I've done?"   
  
The look in those eyes. The pleading. The glimmer of hope that he was afraid to let forth. There was only one thing that she could say to those eyes. She prayed that she wouldn't choke on her words or burst into tears. She **didn't** know if she could trust him the way that he was. She wanted to, so badly, but the fact remained that he wasn't exactly the poster child for sanity. She knew he loved her, though, and that was all that mattered. Well, that and the fact that she owed him this much.   
  
"Of course. Let's go home."   



	3. Facing the Past

**Author's Note: Still don't own these characters. Still practicing my dialogue skills. :-)   
  
*****   
  
"Now, remember, just let me do the talking. It'll be fine. I promise."   
  
Buffy could only hope that her assurances sounded believable to Spike. How was she going to explain this to Dawn and Willow? Or Xander? He was already so angry with her. She hadn't wanted to kill Anya, but it was her **job**. Why couldn't he see that? She was the Slayer first, and she was their friend second. That was how it was. How it had to be.   
  
"Spike?"   
  
Why wouldn't he talk to her? All the way home he had been so silent. She had thought that he would improve once they were away from that basement. Oh well, at least he wasn't crying and ranting incoherently anymore. Oh no. They were there. Shouldn't the walk have taken longer? Maybe she should have talked to Dawn and Will about this before. Too late now.   
  
"Dawn? Willow? Anybody home?"   
  
Willow walked in from the kitchen carrying a glass of soda. She stopped as soon as she saw them. A look of hesitancy came over her face as her eyes clouded with confusion.   
  
"Oh, hey, Buffy. And Spike. So, uh, what's up? Is there some badness going on? Should I call Xander?"   
  
Willow stopped talking and waited for Buffy's answer. It was obvious that there was more she wanted to say but was afraid to. Everyone had been like that since the Anya situation. They were all afraid to talk to her. It was just like before, when they had brought her back. All they had ever really seen was their friend first and the Slayer second. That was all they had wanted to see. Well, now they knew.   
  
"No, Will. Everything's okay. It's just..well, Spike is going to be staying here for awhile. Until he can get back on his feet and all."   
  
Willow's eyes shifted in surprise to the vamp. He was still silent, caught in his own thoughts. Suddenly she grew thoughtful. She looked at him more closely. Buffy knew what was coming. She had to get Spike out of here. She had to spare him more pain.   
  
"Hey, look. I'm going to get Spike upstairs and settled in. We can talk while he's washing up, okay? Why don't you get Dawn in here? Thanks, Willow!"   
  
Quickly Buffy herded Spike up the stairs and into the guest bedroom. She couldn't deal with those questions right now. Well, she knew that she had to, but Spike didn't have to witness it. She wanted him to feel welcome, and she would make sure that that is exactly what happened. But, first, he needed a shower.   
  
"Okay, Spike. Here are some clean towels and a pair of sweatpants. I want you to go take a shower and put these pants on. Leave your things on in the bathroom, and I'll wash them later, okay?"   
  
Spike still just stared at her. She knew he didn't mean to, but he was making this harder. Well, maybe she deserved for it to be harder. The life of a Slayer was never easy, was it? Why should this be any different? Buffy sighed as she led the silent vamp to the bathroom. She just wanted to go downstairs and get the Willow/Dawn talk over with. She would worry about Xander later.   
  
"NO!"   
  
She jumped, startled by his hoarse cry. Spike was standing in the doorway of the bathroom, eyes wide. His eyes. She could see his soul in his eyes now. How had she missed it before? The look in those eyes right now was pure torment. Something was tearing him apart as he stood there. Her eyes shifted to see what he was looking at. The bathroom. Oh, God. The attack. He was reliving the attempted rape. She had to stop him.   
  
"Spike? Spike, listen to me! Hey, look at me."   
  
The urgency in Buffy's voice must have reached him because he turned his gaze to her face. The bitterness and regret were evident in his words.   
  
"Buffy. Oh, God. I can't..I shouldn't be here. I don't deserve this. Your kindness. After what I did. You were right. I'm a monster. Evil. Bad man. I loved you so. Hurt you. Please. I have to go."   
  
He tried to walk past her, but she grabbed him by the arm. She couldn't do this. It was killing her to see him this way. He needed someone to help him, and it was up to her to be that someone. She held his eyes with her own.   
  
"No, Spike. Don't leave. It's okay. The bathroom..I'm sorry. I should have thought. There's another bathroom downstairs. It's not as nice as this one, but it's..different. Please. Stay. Look, I know that what happened here was a mistake. I know you didn't mean to hurt me. Really. It's okay. Let's start again. Clean slate. You'll be Spike. I'll be Buffy. What we **won't** be is the Slayer and a vamp, okay? Spike? What do you think?"   
  
For a long moment she wasn't certain that he would answer her at all. He had visibly calmed down, at least. She hoped that this silence thing wasn't going to last too long. It would drive her crazy within the week. Her gaze fell. Just when she was about to turn away, he spoke. His words were tinged with the faintest hint of the old Spike's sarcasm.   
  
"Where'd you get those sweatpants, luv? Find a replacement for me already?"   



End file.
